Attack of the 30 Foot Synopsis!

• Question: Why are you such a prick? Is it a religious thing? I don't know much about you hindoo voodoo people. - brerwolf
• Answer:

  Us Indians have a strange sense of humour. This is why treat cows as gods. Cows aren’t gods. They’re cows. But we’re a bit zany like that so decide to make them gods. Same with people with elephant heads.

Man Men… Maybe I should review the entire show.

It’d just be an 8 second video of me masturbating to Joan’s body and Don Drapers’ everything else.

(via gamefreaksnz)

via reddit

(via theslurmfactory)

The Expendables.

Before I begin, I think I should explain. I quite like doing a blog, but I’m also incredibly lazy. Trying to think of sequels for films was a bit too much work if you ask me, and I think I peaked with the Kick-Ass 2 idea, so don’t want to overdo it. 

The majority of my previous posts were the synopsis of the first film anyway, so I figured I’ll keep doing that and cut the (potentially multi-million making) sequel ideas. I watch a fair few movies too, so I shouldn’t run out of subject material.

So, ‘The Expendables’; that big blockbuster action movie with all those action heroes of Yesteryear in it. On paper it sounds… Well, let’s be honest. It sound shit. None of them can really act (barring Bruce Willis and Arnie, who’re only in it for about 4 minutes. The same scene incidentally). Very few of them speak comprehensible English. And although they were big action movie stars, that was at least 25 years ago. Now they just look a bit old, and lame. Except Stallone. He looks old, lame and incredibly fucking creepy. Like someone’s painted happy eyes on him and drawn on a beard.

So on paper it might sound shit, but when you actually see it… It’s shit too. Like I said; without subtitles, good luck understand anything that Stallone says. Jet Li and Mexican/Colombian/Chinese woman try their best, but when there’s stuff exploding and nameless goons getting fucked up by Terry Tate, it gets very hard to understand them. Speaking of Terry Tate (Crews), he’s a fucking genius. He is without a doubt the best thing in this film, and it’s criminal they made him into a minor supporting character, instead choosing to focus on the incredibly dull Jason Statham. 

For an action film, the action scenes in the movie are pretty balls too! How did they manage to cock that up so badly?? It’s the equivalent of the Transformers movies; most of the action is incredibly fast, and shot up close so you catch a nice shot of someone’s ankle whilst all the cool stuff happens in the background. Again, the exception to this is Terry Tate who fucks up about 30 guards with some awesome super shotgun thing. That whole bit is plain view, but everything else? Dark, close up and focused away from the good stuff. 

Anyway, the ‘plot’. Let’s be honest, no-one really expected a decent plot, and there isn’t really much of one, but with the action being so disappointing, it makes it look a bit better than it actually is. Jason Statham, Jet Li, Terry Tate, Randy Couture (wtf) and the German guy who seems to always play bad guys are a team of mercenaries lead by Stallone. They do some bust at the beginning and the German guy goes a bit mental, almost making out with Jet Li. The group don’t take kindly to this, especially Stallone who has firmly cemented himself as the groups one and only homosexual, through the use of his pouting lips and excessive amounts of make up. They kick him out and he leaves looking all angry.

They get offered a job by Bruce Willis to go kill some Fidel Castro knock-off who’s being mean to some people on an island. He himself is being controlled by Julia Roberts’ brother, who’s probably pissed off that his sister’s more famous than him despite her looking like The Joker with boobies. Stallone and Statham go check out the island, but end up slaughtering about 30 guards, and as they flee they turn around, ‘expend’ (get it?) most of their fuel dousing a pier before shooting the thing so it goes up in flames. As they fly away they don’t think to turn off the fuel dousing button, and it looks like they actually shed a fuckload of it, but don’t worry, it doesn’t get addressed and they fly home safe and sound.

When they get back Stallone is all ‘no it’s too dangerous, I’m going alone’. Because that makes sense. Everyone else blacks him up though so it’s ok, they all go in together to kick ass. Cue the big action scene everyone has been waiting before. Cue disappointment when you realise it’s shit. They manage to kill Julia Roberts’ brother though, so mission accomplished. Stallone also rescues the girl, which for the entire film it looks like they’re going to get it on, but when they finally are together, it’s just ‘Nah, I’m your friend’. I can only assume the studio had spent too much money on pointless  Arnie cameo’s, pyrotechnics and close up camera lenses to pay the woman enough to kiss Stallones lifeless, plastic face.

And that’s the end. I forgot, throughout this there’s a subplot of Statham having a girlfriend who cheats on him, so he beats up her boyfriend. That’s more or less it; it adds nothing to the film whatsoever, other than showing him ride his motorbike around a bit. The German guy also fights Jet Li in an extremely underwhelming fight scene. You have Jet Li for fucks sake; make him do something cool! Don’t put him in a fight with some big ass German guy for him to essentially cower under a low ceiling. 

That’s everything I think now. A waste of time. On the plus side I got Netflix so I just watched it on there,  I didn’t pay for it or anything. If I remember rightly, this was released around the same time as The A Team and The Losers. Both piss all over The Expendables. It’s not even funny how crap it was. If you fancy watching it after reading this, don’t. 

Tomorrow I might do something I do enjoy. I watched Goon last week, which was fucking awesome. I just realised I’m not in tomorrow actually as I’m out watching The Darkest Hour, so I might write about that next time. Who knows, it could be excellent! Although it looked cheesy as ball. 

Kick-Ass:

Before I begin, I’d like to say I fucking love Nic Cage. He is one genuine P.I.M.P. He’s got the most badass voice ever, in my opinion. People bum on about Kiefer Sutherland or James Woods having excellent ‘cool’ voices, but they are forgettable, and pale in comparison to Cage’s “Put the bunny back in the box” from Con Air. He’s just so fucking awesome. He has the voice, the cool hair and is just generally perfect. I might even love him a little bit. No, maybe not. But he’s fucking awesome though; I felt like I could have cried when he got burnt alive in Kick Ass.

Kick Ass has to be one of my favourite films. Ever. Everything about it is perfect; the music, the action, the cast, the humour, the bits they changed from the graphic novel improve upon the story, which is something you don’t often see. The only other example of that I can think of is Watchmen, but to be honest, any end other than the original makes more sense. Dr Manhattan could have magical super-jizz that stopped the bad guy and cured world hunger and it would have made more sense than the comics original ending. Anyway, back to the movie at hand. Kick Ass kicks ass. And I know they’re making a sequel, although I don’t know anything about it, or if any details have actually been released beyond a working title. 

The first film though, was pure genius. Matthew Vaughn has directed 4 films, 3 of which I’ve seen and thought were brilliant. He made a gangster movie that interested me, which is no small feat. Kick Ass tells the story of a nerdy kid who basically is pissed off at the injustice in the world, so decides to buy a scuba costume, and some baton things and go fight crime. He has no fighting skills, and isn’t in very good physical shape, but other than that, he’s good to go. He gets fucked up by two thugs in his first attempt at fighting crime though, and gets stabbed and hit by a car. Thanks to that though, he gets ‘fucked up nerve endings’, which give him a slightly heightened pain threshold, which is about as close to a superpower as he gets. He saves some punk getting the shit kicked out of him, which gets filmed and goes viral on YouTube, and he becomes a celebrity. Meanwhile, Nic Cage and that girl from Let Me In are actual vigilante heroes, like a foulmouthed, psychopathic Batman and Robin, who are going after a mob boss.

This mob boss is understandably pissed off, but he thinks its Kick Ass doing it, so long story short, he captures him and Nic Cage, is about to execute them live on the internet, but the girl comes in and saves them, although Cage gets burnt to death first, in a sad, disturbing scene. Seriously, it’s fucked up. He’s screaming and shit, most of which can’t be understood. After that, they go on a big action scene to kill the boss, who gets a bazooka in the face, and Kick Ass and Hit-girl fly off with a jetpack. Oh, and mob bosses son; the annoying one from Superbad who’s friends with Kick Ass in real life is all like ‘I will have revenge’ and shit. So that’s it. I don’t think my summary does it justice, so if you’ve not seen it, go and buy it. It’s like £5 in Asda, you tight prick. 

The Sequel:

At the end of the Kick Ass, the guy gets his dream girls and everyone’s happy. I think the second film should fuck the badass stuff; Nic Cage is dead so there’s no point anyway. They should take a rom-com direction, that’d bring in the female audience, and the guys will be there because the first one is awesome and they’ll be expecting more of the same. 

The film begins with Kick Ass and his girlfriend having a fight, because he doesn’t dress up and fight crime any more. He’s all like “But I love you, and that” and he doesn’t want to get hurt and put her through any trauma like he did in the first film, where he got the shit beaten out of him over the internet. She walks out, and the rest of the film is basically him trying to win her back again. In between films, him and the mob bosses son have become super hero friends for some reason that never gets explained, so they decide to wear their costumes, and the badguy will do crimes involving the girlfriend, so Kick Ass can save her and show her he’s still got it. Little does Kick Ass know that the bad guy is actually a bumbling fool, and it’s going to get a little silly. 

There’ll be a bunch of stupid set pieces, like the bad guy robbing the bank while the girlfriend is paying in her child support or summat. He’ll go to pull out his evil gun from its holster, and his trousers will fall down so he has to run off while that sound effect from the Hannah-Barbara cartoons played. You know the one. When like the Hair Bear Bunch go to run away and they sorta hover in the air for a second before dashing off. Yeah that one. But instead of it playing properly, he’d be making it with his mouth, because he’s bumbling like that. 

At the end of the film, the two super-characters will realise that their friendship is more important than any woman, so they dress her up in a red costume with wings, and throw her off a building so she falls on to a car and dies. It turns out this film is a prequel to the first one, and his girlfriend is the mental patient copy-cat who dies at the beginning of Kick Ass. This creates a paradox which results in a black whole destroying the universe. End.

So yes, I loved Kick Ass, and would definitely like to see this sequel/prequel made. If anyone here works at the movie company and would like a story writer, I’m available. I don’t need to be paid much, and I can sleep in the office to minimise any other costs. I’ll sit under the watercooler with the tap on to clean myself before work in the morning, and I’ll just go through other peoples bins after hours to save on food money. Oh yeah, tomorrow might be Twilight. I’ll try not to be too brutal.

You know what? I’m really looking forward to this. The first three were good movies, and anything with Sean William Scott in it has to be good, right? Apart from Gary the Tennis Coach. That was an abomination.

But yeah, SWS and John Cho in there too, how could it go wrong?

Right, I’ve decided that although I may be gifted at writing unnecessary sequels, I’m not a bottomless well of ideas, so unless I add filler segments, this blog won’t last long. I wrote out a big ass post about a new segment called “Things that I do like”, but decided it wasn’t entertaining enough to publish. So in light of that, I’ve gone with ‘Plan B’ (That’s an actual plan B, not that prick that does the music and that); ‘Things that piss me off’. This is just going to be a small segment on things that annoy me, and why. I’ll probably try and do a positive segment too, to balance it out. Maybe I’ll give things that I like another go tomorrow.

So, straight in. Moths piss me off so much. Partly because they terrify me. The way they flutter in and you can hear their wings beating scares the shit out of me. I realise that I may be alone in this, but I don’t care. Moths scare me. I don’t like the sound of them hitting the lampshade, and I don’t like it when they settle down and just stretch their wings in that creepy way they do. The only good type of moth is a dead one, specifically one that’s been smushed with a bit of tissue, then smeared across the wall as a warning to other moths as a warning. Sorta like a ‘We don’t take kindly to your kind in these parts’ sign, but with moth guts instead of paint. 

They’re so fucking stupid too, that pisses me off. The fact they fly in, then seem incapable of getting back out again infuriates me. Once the initial fear has died down, I just find myself getting angry at them. My girlfriend is very much pro-animal, which means I’m not allowed to kill them. Instead, we have to turn the lights off, open the window, and hope the stupid fuck flies out, which to be fair they often do, it just takes longer than I have the patience for. If it were up to me, I’d have one of those electric bug zapping tennis racket things to sort them out. It’d be useful for discipling the dog too, instead of having to pretend to shoot her with a Nerf gun.

So yes. This is a short segment compared to my other ones, but I’m getting all riled up just thinking about moths, so I better stop before I really start bitching about them, and say something that my family members on Facebook will get a shock from. I might just do a generic Friday re-cap of the week or something tomorrow, depends how I feel I suppose. Maybe I’ll fill it with pictures of my dog in funny poses, or the dog can take pictures of me in funny poses, I haven’t decided yet. 

Splice:

Right, this film is a bit fucked up. Once again, the Holy Grail of DVD’s that is Asda bestowed upon me another bargain, this time Splice for a mere £7. I know that’s a whole other DVD and a bit when compared to Hatchet, but unlike Hatchet, this was meant to be a good film, and the premise was interesting so I thought “Why not?”.

We ended up watching this one as a double date, which was interesting. There was lots of “Ohh no… don’t do that… no..” and “WHAT THE FUCK“‘s going on, but it turned out to be a decent movie. Well, me and my Viking friend thought so… The ladies weren’t as impressed, so we watched Sex Drive afterwards to lighten the mood. I didn’t know this at the time, but apparently French Canada are known for their messed up horror films, which is exactly the sort of thing I enjoy watching (Judge me, bro), so I’ve picked up a few others since. Australians are pretty fucked up too, I’d recommend their horror films as well.

Anyway, about Splice. There’s gonna be *Spoilers* from here on, so for the four of you that are following me, and two of you I watched the film with, so that leaves Kerry and some Italian Jersey Shore thing, don’t read on if you don’t want this tour de force ruined for you. Basically, Adrien Brody and his wife/girlfriend are gene splicers for some pharmaceutical company or something. They’ve successfully put bits of different animals together to make some slug thing that doesn’t look like it adds anything at all to the world. They get a bit over confident though, and when the project gets shut down, they decide to add some of their own DNA to the melting pot, which ends up with a creature they name ‘Dren’; a humanoid creature thing with a tail and weird head. They take it home, look after it as it grows, keep it hidden. Bit like E.T really. Then Adrien Brody goes and fucks it. Literally. He, for some unknown reason, decides he wants to have sex with Dren, in what can only be described as a ‘slightly disturbing scene’. I was already creeped out from earlier on when Dren is watching the two humans go at it, but him fucking the thing he grew? Nasty. Anyway, his wife is obviously pissed off, they have a fight and try to kill Dren after she goes a bit mental, but she kills Adrien Brody, then changes sex so she’s a man-creature, rapes the shit out of his girlfriend before getting stabbed. End. Well, not quite. The now pregnant wife is seen in a meeting with her boss saying how grateful he is for going through with the pregnancy to see what falls out of her. Nice, right? So that’s Splice. You should definitely get it, it’s gotta only be about a fiver now. It’s definitely a creepy movie, although I wasn’t sure what scared me more, Dren doing a rape, or Adrien Brody’s nose.

The Sequel:

While Splice is a horror movie that explores the moral and ethical implications of creating life, as well as what happens when you cocktease that ‘life’ until it changes sex and rapes your wife, I think the sequel could be an epic. A LOTR style journey, or pilgrimage. 

The film opens 18 years later, on the birthday of Dren2, as he becomes a man. He’s still a creepy monster thing, but he looks a little more human, he can conceal his tail by wrapping it round his leg or something, and wears a snazzy wig. They live somewhere far away from the setting of the first film, maybe South America, in a less populated area. He gets a new laptop for his birthday, and upon setting it up, he notices he has an email, that says something ominous about knowing who his father was. Dren2 is a curious fellow, so he decides to follow the directions in the email.

The journey takes him across snowy mountains, and through deep jungles. He stumbles upon a tribe who welcome him in for the night. There he smokes some special pipe thing, and lays in the trees, contemplating life, the universe and everything. He’s woken up by, like, tigers and shit attacking the village, and people screaming for help. Suddenly, his innate fighting abilities surface, and he gets a tail spike, and wings and cool teeth and stuff like the Dren in the first film had, and he kills all the animals attacking. Unfortunately, this sets off a frenzy, in which he mates with the remaining villagers before killing them.

The next morning he wakes up, and unable to deal with the guilt, flees the scene of the massacre. He continues his journey until he finally makes it to the address the email specified. It turns out it’s the corporation from the first film. His mother had a deal to give him to them when he was born, but instead she went into hiding. They’re pretty pissed. They capture him and test him and stuff, but he escapes and goes mental. He’s killing all the scientists when suddenly a gun clicks. It’s Adrien Brody, whose body got cloned after the end of the first film. He says a cool line like ‘This time, it’s personal’, and shoots Dren2, who dies. Panting, Adrien Brody goes ‘It’s over, it’s finally over’ as the screen fades to black. The words ‘Or is it…?’ pop up in white, as the screen fades back in to the village where Dren2 killed everyone. A woman wakes up, and although she’s wounded, she’s alive. And pregnant. End.

That turned into a bit of a horror film in the end actually. I didn’t really have any sort of plan for that, I just wrote it as it came into my head, which is probably why it seemed to change genre halfway through. Sorry, about that. This blogging stuff is brilliant for eating up my time, it’s already 11am; the day goes by so much quicker.

I might start doing sequels to games too, there’s a few games with brilliant stories such as L.A Noire that deserve poorly constructed sequels to be written for them. But for tomorrow, I’m thinking something big and famous, that everyone will have seen. Maybe I’ll do a proper Indiana Jones 4. It can’t be any worse than that Crystal Skulls bullshit.

Hatchet:

For those of you that haven’t seen Hatchet, it’s a fairly low budget slasher film, that I picked up from the supermarket for three quid. Most films you get for £3 aren’t good, and this was no exception. However, it was fairly funny, and had a few famous horror actors in there, such as the ever-creepy Tony Todd. My ‘Viking friend’, who is referenced in my first post, is a little bitch when it comes to horror films. He’s wrestled wolves or something along those lines, and has like stupid pets that can shred your hands and crazy shit like that, but when it comes to horror films, he turns into a little bitch. That is, until I came along. Due to his house being uninhabitable because of a burst pipe in the third year, he ended up staying on our sofa, and so during the day, me and him would often watch films together. Sometimes we’d watch fun, family films like Monsters vs. Aliens, or Space Jam, and other days we’d watch Deliverance and The Reapening.

One night, we, along with some other people settled down and watched Hatchet, something I secretly hoped would scare him a little bit. Alas, it was poorly acted, full of stereotypes, and had some hilarious gory special effects. No, there was nothing scary about this film, but it did make us all laugh, from the bizarre Asian Cajun kid, to some woman getting her head cut off, leaving her tongue protruding from the stump, it was genuinely a funny film, until the ending, which basically cut off midway through a scene, and left us all angry and confused. And no-one likes being angry and confused, especially if you have to pay £3 for the privilege. 

The film itself is basically a bunch of highschool kids at Mardi Gras or something, decide to go on a spooky boat ride, said boat crashes, they’re stuck in the swamp, and hunted by the evil Victor Crawley, who accidentally got killed by his Dad’s hatchet or something like that, which is why the hatchet is his weapon of choice. Wikipedia it for a bit more depth, not that there’s much more to it than that.

The Sequel: 

Before any of my zero fans correct me, I know there is already a Hatchet 2. It’s like 35 quid on Amazon; I’m not paying for that. So lets just pretend it doesn’t exist for now.

Hatchet 2 picks up 3 months after the ending of the first film. Victor Crowley is feeling remorseful. Killing those kids, while a good idea at the time, has left him feeling empty, and with the swamp area under investigation from the police, he has nothing to do but hide, because as much as he likes killing things, he respects authority, and the work the public services do for the community. He decides to better himself, not through mindless violence, but through books and stuff. He takes an evening class at the local community centre, studying English Literature, which he excels at. It turns out, that under his hideous exterior, beats the heart of a poet, author and playwright. 

Using his newly acquired qualification, he manages to net himself a nice little job at an inner city school, teaching English. The kids in his class are troubling to say the least; they’re a ragtag bunch of outcasts, bullies, slags and psychopaths. Though he struggles to keep control of them, and doesn’t really understand their ‘street’ culture, he manages to make a connection with them. With a little perseverance, and a healthy dose of hatchet, he manages to teach these kids English, and learn for himself what it means to live, love, and murder poorly acted stereotypes in a low-budget setting.

I feel Hatchet 2 could be a much needed change of direction for the series, which in all honesty, was pure shit. My idea might not be the best, but it’s definitely a lot better than anything the ‘real’ Hatchet 2 will have cooked up. 

Also, just as a disclaimer, this is meant to be taken as a joke. I don’t want people commenting going ‘OMG ur a fuckin retard it is a horror film he cant be a teachr!”. I would’ve thought it was obvious, but as they say, people are morons. 

Hello there, this is me. Sort of. Well it’s just a drawing obviously, which doesn’t really look like me. I’m not that dark, and my beard is a bit better than that one. I do have glasses and a Flash t-shirt though. I’m 21, unemployed, bored and looking for anything to do other than playing games and job hunting. 

My blog/Tumblr/whatever I’m meant to be calling it, is basically my ideas for sequels to films. The idea started during my second year of university, when me and my viking friend were sitting in what was known as ‘The Sofa Pit’. Really, all it consisted of was two sofas pushed together, creating a small pit, which everyone sat in with a duvet over. In hindsight, it sounds a bit weird, but when you’re hungover, it’s the greatest thing ever. Especially if you order Dominos. Anyway, I genuinely can’t remember why, but I told him I had an idea for a sequel to Jurassic Park, which he was quite interested in. After telling him the idea though, he said it was ‘ridiculous’, which obviously hurt my feelings a bit. To be fair though, most films are ridiculous; it’s part of the appeal.

A couple of days ago on Facebook, I jokingly said I would start my own blog where I catalogued my ideas for unnecessary film sequels, and gave an example of an idea for a sequel to ‘Hatchet’, a film I picked up at the supermarket for £3, and was as good as you’d expect for that price. Surprisingly, he said people would follow that, and another friend agreed. Then he started getting a bit excited about it, so, with the promise of two followers, I thought I’d make it to break up the monotony of my day, which at the moment consists of playing Xbox, looking for jobs, doing the dishes and walking the dog.

So yes, that is the origins of the idea for ‘Unnecessary Sequels’, which if I remember rightly, is what I set the URL of this Tumblr to. I’ll check it later, I’m sure it’s fine.